Connections T2 Article Dated 24th Aug' 2014

"Love is just a word, the reality is the connection it implies."

— The Matrix Revolutions 

Much of our lives revolves around two major implicit fears — " I am not good enough" and " I am not loved". If you dig deeper, you'd realise that both these fears have an underlying theme — a need to " belong or feel connected". The unconscious thought is " I am not good enough to belong to this family/ parents/ society" and " I am not loved / accepted as part of the family/ herd". These fears can be manifested in a range of issues in our head, like fear of rejection, loneliness, isolation, low self- esteem and self-belief, feelings of not being lovable or deserving.

All our lives, we either fight these fears to prove them wrong, or we give in helplessly. Paradoxically, both choices often lead to the same outcome. For instance, if you have a predominant belief that you are not good, you may try to fight it by pushing yourself harder, aiming for higher goals or by becoming a perfectionist. But all this can actually put a lot of pressure and become the very reason for you to feel like a failure, as now no success is good enough for you. Or you may completely give up and not try by succumbing to the fear of " not being good enough". Similarly, you may become clingy, possessive, insecure and controlling when you think " I am not loved", and in turn may push love away when it knocks on your door! These fears are mostly fed by our childhood memories and experiences. 

Rizwana, a homemaker, is always panicky about her children, aged 11 and 8. " My happiest moments were when I first saw my children after they were born. But now I am always bitter with them. I shout at them, raise my hand and then feel terribly guilty. I feel I have forgotten to love them," she told us.

Rizwana wants her children to do well in life. She wants to make sure they are accepted and respected by her family, friends and society. What she is actually trying to do is ensure that her kids feel they "belong". But her children are feeling unloved by their mother and disconnected from their family. They show defiant behaviour and their mother's worst nightmare seems to be coming true.

We all may have encountered Rizwana's struggle, either in ourselves or in others. Yes, this problem may arise in any bond of love.

When we love someone, we fear losing the connection. We want to fit them into our idea of "how it should be". We want to change them to make sure they accept our point of view, our ideas, our needs, so that we feel connected to them. And this approach severs that very connection. As we operate from our own fear of disconnection, we contribute to the same fear in our loved ones.

Meaningful connections don't always happen naturally, but we can try to create them. Here are some tips on how to do that... 

Connect: 

Make an effort to bond with your family, friends and colleagues. Believe that you " belong" the way you are. Meet new people, make new connections. Don't try to prove anything, just be a part to share. Join a group class — painting, dancing, yoga, movie or book club; anything that you fancy. If you can't find one, you can start a book or movie club yourself.

Make friends: 

Across age, race, class and culture. Be open to learn newer ways of thinking. You don't have to agree on everything to be friends. Agree to disagree. Challenge the limits of your acceptance. Try not to judge, not to fix according to your value system. Greet more, listen more. Be more inclusive.

Do something meaningful: 

Join a cause or an initiative. Try to take out time for something that you consider is meaningful or for the greater good.

Help your kids to connect: 

As you discipline your children, also make sure to tell or show them that they are a part of the family and you love them. It is their behaviour you disapprove of, not them as a whole.

This needs to be conveyed often. Go on a family holiday and make a rule to not be on the phone during that period.

Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners, psychotherapists and life coaches Share your problems with them at  dr. sangbarta@ gmail. com 

http://epaper.telegraphindia.com

Comparison : T2 article dated 10th Aug' 2014

" Comparison is the thief of joy," said former US president Theodore Roosevelt When I see my friend doing so well... happy... earning much more than I do, I doubt myself and question — did I choose wisely? I keep thinking that if I had stayed back and taken the same decision as him, I would have had the same life today." That's Arnab who was happy with what he was doing and his future plans till he met a friend in Mumbai, who had started his own business, and began feeling unsure about his own life. We keep comparing our lives with that of others. This can often be the reason for a lot of mental distress. More and more needs and wants are added in our life, creating disappointment, sadness and in some cases a sense of worthlessness. The mother of a happy, healthy and active three- year- old girl came to us with the complain that her daughter was "not like others". On inquiring, she said that her daughter only wanted to play with dolls and was not interested in any "extracurricular activities". Our conversation with her went as follows... Mother: She is happy and obedient. If left alone, she is content playing with her dolls but she is least interested in drawing or dancing. I feel she is a little slow. Therapist: What do you mean by slow? Mother: When I see other children, they seem to be doing so many things. They recite poems in front of others, are eager to show their drawings, but my daughter is least interested in any of this. She talks a lot but only with us. She does not behave smartly like the other kids. Therapist: Is she not friendly with others? Mother: She is very friendly and she makes friends easily. If you talk to her, you will adore her. Therapist: So? Mother: But she is not as streetsmart like the others. Therapist: Who are these 'others'? Mother: Other kids at her play school…. Their mothers are so happy with them and keep praising them. Therapist: And how do you feel then? Mother: I feel I am not doing something right. I feel frustrated and irritated and I take it out on her. Though she is a very nice child, I shout at her and keep pushing her. I can't even enjoy the time we spend together. If this mother is not careful with her thoughts and expectations, she may eventually convince herself and her daughter that there is a problem with the girl, which can severely damage her daughter's selfesteem. All this because her mother felt that the other kids were better than her. From childhood we decide or are told how "mothers should be like mothers" or " fathers should be like fathers", comparing them with others' parents. Our ideas of parenting, love, life, success and several other concepts are often formed through comparison. The ability to compare is an important learning tool and is so second nature to us that the inferences we draw as a result remain largely unchallenged. We form judgements not only about others but also about ourselves. Continuous comparisons can make us feel bad/ sad/ disappointed about everything. A good car is not good enough, a job is not good enough, our kids are not smart enough... the list goes on. Product advertisements actually exploit this inherent human nature and try to nudge us to compare ourselves with the smiling actor and actress on TV. They lure us to buy the particular product so that we can be like them. The problem is that it very subtly but surely reinforces the belief system — " I am not good enough the way I am" — and in turn it creates self- esteem issues. Regularly remind yourself that life is like an exam — you may feel that you can copy somebody else's answers but what you don't know is that everybody has a different question paper. Life is a work in progress and sometimes it is also important to know that you are doing enough. Become more aware of the times when you make comparisons. Do this often so that eventually you can catch yourself when you are comparing yourself with others. And each time that happens, just focus on what you already have. Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners, psychotherapists and life coaches Share your problems with them at: dr. sangbarta@ gmail. com  http://epaper.telegraphindia.com

Emotional Processing: T2 article dated 27th July 2014

Last week we had a funny experience. We ran into one of our students at a shopping mall and he seemed visibly upset. He asked us if we were angry with him. Our conversation went something like this... Student: If you are upset with me, please tell me what is my fault! Us: But why would we be upset with you? We last met six months back when you came over and we had such a good time…. We haven't met since, so why would we be upset? Student: I don't know! You tell me.… Last week you were getting into your car and I shouted out to you several times, but you did not hear me. I messaged you on WhatsApp but you didn't answer. ( Visibly upset and almost teary) Us: We did not see or hear you. We must have been in a rush…. And my WhatsApp isn't working as I am using a different phone now. Don't you know that we care about you? If we were upset about something, wouldn't we at least let you know? Student: I know you would! That's why I was upset when I didn't get any reply from you! I was so disappointed when you did not see me and I could not talk to you. Us: Ah! You could have just dropped by. It's always nice to catch up. We all are constantly processing information and the way we do it is radically different from one another. As we gather information, we process it subjectively with our feelings. The problem is when we revisit a past experience, we think that we are witnessing the event itself. What we actually revisit are our "interpretations" of what had occurred. Our student took it for a "fact" that we were upset, which was in reality a subjective interpretation. Unfortunately, these interpretations bypassed his primary emotion of feeling disappointed at not being able to talk to his favourite teachers, and gave rise to secondary feelings of being rejected. This feeling of rejection can turn into the next "fact" — "they rejected me" — and give rise to a set of secondary emotions like anger, sadness or hate. Primary emotions are often intense and short- lived; they make us feel vulnerable. To escape feeling vulnerable, we try to give ourselves reasons and justifications for feeling this way. And in the process we move further away from the "fact" and into secondary emotions. The closer one is to their primary emotions, the closer they are to the reality and in turn more empowered. The major component of primary emotions is "I feel", while that of secondary emotions is " You make me feel" or " This makes me feel". Had our student acknowledged that he was feeling disappointed at not being able to meet us and stayed with those emotions, maybe he would have simply dropped in and met up. As the graph shows, the more we process emotions and move towards secondary emotions the more we move away from the 'fact axis'. Now let's look at it from a slightly different angle. Shiraz and Tanya have been best friends since college. Tanya was involved with another man who cheated on her. During that phase of turmoil, Shiraz was a pillar of support for Tanya. Both fell in love eventually and got married. Tanya is very grateful to Shiraz and acknowledges the fact that he was always there for her. But even after five years, Tanya is bitter about her ex- boyfriend. She keeps thinking about how she should have been more careful and how she could have responded. Instead of staying with the primary emotion of hurt and pain at what happened, she processed it to "I was betrayed". This led to the next set of emotions — anger and hatred. Instead of dealing with the pain, she turned it into hatred for that person. And as she revisits her past, she finds more justification to hold on to the hatred. No wonder, Shiraz feels that Tanya is never there for him. Though Tanya loves Shiraz, her hatred for her ex consumes most of her mental space, making her emotionally unavailable for Shiraz. In our hurry to escape our primary emotions, we end up complicating things even more. Sometimes it's important to be present in the NOW and stay with the primary emotion and experience it fully. You can practise the following exercise to understand how we process, analyse, interpret and get carried away from the NOW. Only with practice, patience and awareness can one get better at it. Pick up any mundane everyday object, for example a pen or a cup. Hold it in your hands and allow your attention to be fully absorbed by the object. Observe it. Don't assess or think about it, or study it intellectually. Just observe it for what it is. Each time your mind drifts to any association, memory, analysis or interpretation, gently bring your focus back on just "seeing". You can increase the duration gradually. Conscious observation can really give you a feeling of " being awake". With time you may notice how your mind quickly releases thoughts of past or future, and how different it feels to be in the moment. Conscious observation is a form of meditation: subtle but powerful. Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners, psychotherapists and life coaches Share your problems with them at dr. sangbarta@ gmail. com   http://epaper.telegraphindia.com/paper

Anger : T2 article Dated 13th July 2014

A man is about as big as the thing that makes him angry 

— Winston Churchill 

Anger is considered a ' negative' emotion. But when channelised for a higher or greater cause, anger can be used for transformation, as shown by Irom Sharmila, Subhas Chandra Bose or Raja Ram Mohan Roy. However, most often, anger is counterproductive and self-destructive.

Parveen came to us with a problem of angry outbursts. The following are snatches of conversation from the first of few sessions.

Client: Doctor, I cannot control my anger.

Therapist: Okay… can you please elaborate? C: Small things irritate me, and then I explode. I become abusive and I cannot control myself.

T: Okay… so, little things keep irritating you. They pile up and then you burst out.

C: Yes.

T: What do you do when these little things irritate you? 

C: I don't do anything! 

T: Can you give me an example when an outburst occurred recently? 

C: For example, last Sunday I took my daughter for an outing. I was anyway a little irritated due to my office work. My daughter started being very stubborn — she wanted a very expensive doll. I suddenly lost my temper and just thrashed her, said things I would normally never have said. I feel very ashamed of myself.

T: I see… what happened in office? 

C: They are just small regular things… I was irritated with my team as I had told them to do something, explained it to them… they said they understood and then produced something absolutely crappy… 

T: So, what were you irritated at? 

C: They said that they had understood and yet they did not deliver… 

T: So, if they don't deliver, what happens? 

C: It's not just about the delivery of the product. It's their attitude which irritates me.

T: What about the attitude? 

C: That they take their work for granted… that they cannot function maturely…. T: So you don't share a similar attitude towards work, and let's assume they behave immaturely.

What about it irritates you? 

C: I feel taken for granted. I feel helpless.

T: What did you do? 

C: I shouted at them and then made sure that they corrected the mistakes.

T: So, the shouting reduced your irritation? 

C: Well, not really. I just pushed my irritation aside for the time being to make sure that the work got done. But I was still very irritated. So, when my daughter was being stubborn, I snapped… 

T: What happened when your daughter was being stubborn? 

C: I just felt so taken for granted and just didn't know what to do… 

Anger can be of various types. Here are some that may resonate with you.

Anger as a coping strategy: 

Here, Parveen finds it difficult to cope with situations, she feels helpless and this triggers her anger. If she acknowledges her helplessness at the onset of an outburst, she can devise an effective strategy to deal with the situation. What Parveen thought of as small incidents in office were actually triggers for her anger. If she dealt with the irritation at the time she experienced it, she may have been more successful at preventing the outburst later.

Solution: When you feel " helpless", don't be ashamed of the feeling.

Acknowledge it and then find a strategy to deal with the situation that is making you feel helpless. In Parveen's case, it might be that she needs to communicate more effectively, or when she delegates, she needs to assess the work progress more closely. When you plan your strategy, also think of alternative strategies. A strategy might not give an instant solution. It is important to stay focused on the solution.

Anger as a grudge: 

When we hold on to anger towards a person or a situation long after the event has happened.

For example: " I can never forgive my sister- in- law for what she did to me immediately after I got married." It may not matter that the person has minimal contact with her sister- inlaw now. This grudge creates bitterness within and hampers one's ability to enjoy life fully. We feel " right" and " justified" in holding on to this kind of an anger even though we may be the only ones who are affected by it.

Solution: Is to forgive the person and let go of the internal pain.

Often when we say, "I can't forgive", we actually mean to say that, " I won't forgive". We can always choose to forgive and let go. It might take some time.

Anger to defend ourselves: 

When we feel personally attacked, we respond aggressively with anger. 'I am being attacked' is often a perception than a reality. A lot of times, criticism or others' behaviour makes us feel vulnerable, and we use anger to deal with this feeling.

Solution: Acknowledge your vulnerability. Understand the things in your environment which are making you feel attacked or intimidated. You can make a list to identify and recognise them in real time, and find another strategy to deal with the situation. Detach your selfworth from " others' response". Try to accept other people's behaviour as their problem.

Anger is only an emotion.

Though on the one hand it can lead people to do shocking things, actually it is an indication that something is bothering us. If we can go beyond this emotion and try to find a solution to either change or effectively deal with the situation, we would have used it constructively. Ultimately, it is our choice how we use it and deal with it.

Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners, psychotherapists and life coaches Share your problems with them at dr. sangbarta@ gmail. com

http://epaper.telegraphindia.com/paper

It's okay to be 'wrong' : T2 Article dated 29th July 2014

Shantanu came with a fear of public speaking. We had a few sessions. A partial conversation with him in one early session went as following: [ Readers, please note that fear of public speaking can be due to various reasons. Our minds are unique and different from each other.]

Therapist: What exactly happens when you need to speak publicly? 

Client: Oh my God! I can't tell you doctor how miserable I feel. I feel hopeless and as I am talking to you I can visualise that I am standing in front of the board members and I am feeling panic.

T: Stay with this visual…. How do you know that it's panic? 

C: I can feel my heartbeat. There are butterflies in my stomach…. There is a sinking feeling in my heart. I'm visualising that my boss and my colleagues are looking at me…. And I am blanking out. A fear is engulfing me… it's terrible.

T: Okay, stay with this fear…. Fear of ? 

C: That I am standing in front of them… I am feeling that they are judging me… I am feeling like a loser.

T: They are judging you for what? 

C: That I'm wrong… my presentation is wrong.

T: Okay, and if it is wrong? 

C: I can't be wrong…. How can I be wrong? It will be the worst thing if I am wrong... 

T: What if you are wrong? What does that mean? 

C: It means that I am a loser. I am not good enough.

T: And you are always right? 

C: No… but I try to be… T: Yes, I know you try hard to be… but is it possible to be always right? Always? No matter what? 

C: No. ( After a brief silence) I guess not… 

T: And if you try to be right and if you do everything to be right, is there still a possibility that people still might not agree you are right? 

C: Yes… that is a possibility.

T: So if this is a possibility, how about trying to be okay with it? 

C: Yes, I guess I can try that…. Strangely, I do not feel that anxious now. I feel more relaxed... I am sure I am going to be all right…. The fear of judgement is also lesser than before.

We all know how it is to feel not-so-confident: the nagging feeling of self doubt which we detest so much. It stops us from being sure, hampers our performance and dampens our spirit.

Sometimes we fight it by doing more, and pushing harder. And yet, at other times we succumb to it. This self- doubt reinforces our worst fear of ' I am not good enough'. For example, if we want to write an absolutely perfect article and take it upon ourselves not to start unless we are sure about the content of each and every line, we'll probably never end up writing a word.

Most of us believe and often demand of ourselves to be absolutely convinced about everything we do, that we must always make the ' right' decisions. In the process, sometimes, we neglect the initial signals that tell us when something is going wrong.

And if something really does go wrong, then we immediately start questioning our self- worth, as if our worth depends on being right about everything every time.

When we doubt our decisions or what we know, we take it to heart and feel miserable like Shantanu. We feel awful because we are failing to ensure that we are ' right'. We end up being extremely self- critical.

Instead, if we accept that we are just a ' work in progress' and acknowledge that we are capable of making mistakes, not only can we recognise where we are going ' wrong' at an early stage but also be more flexible to learn. We then have more freedom and openness to act, observe and grow. Here are three points to keep in mind... 

1) Be prepared to be wrong: Acknowledge that it is not possible to know everything and sometimes you will be wrong. It's okay to be wrong.

Do not deny it, and do not try to prove you are right. There is nothing shameful about being wrong. Actually, it takes a great deal of courage and InventorThomas Alva Edison created the design of the incandescent light bulb after many failed attempts

character to acknowledge that one is wrong.

2) Entertain that doubt: It's okay to be in doubt about the end result.

You don't need to be absolutely sure about something to act on it. You can always learn in the process. Be sure to give your 100 per cent.

3) Learn from the ' wrong': Allow yourself to also gain wisdom from your ' wrong' choices. You will learn what's ' right' for you along the way.

Be ready to make mistakes. Think of it as taking a step, rather than taking none at all.

Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners, psychotherapists and life coaches Share your problems with them at dr. sangbarta@ gmail. com

http://epaper.telegraphindia.com/paper

Why and when of therapy: T2 Article dated 15th June 2014.

Q.Could you please tell me when do I need to go to a psychotherapist? How can a psychotherapist or counsellor help me solve my problem? 

This is one of the most common questions we face from people considering therapy. So let's try and explore the why, how and when.

There are many schools of psychotherapy and counselling, and every psychotherapist develops his/ her own approach. Many modern psychotherapy schools have stopped seeing therapy as fixing an 'abnormality'. The one seeking therapy is now called a 'client', not a 'patient'. And the client is not looked upon as someone with a 'disease'. Most therapeutic approaches are now seen as cohesive joint ventures between client and therapist where the therapist helps the client navigate through their own mind and reach clarity on issues. In the process, the client develops the skills to have a happier and more functional life.

Most therapists today do not directly advice what the client 'should do'. They encourage clients to explore their thoughts, rationality, behaviour and actions and empower them to decide and change for themselves.

Broadly speaking, anyone can go to a counsellor or therapist. Here are some examples and areas when one might feel the need to seek help:  

• When one identifies a problem  
• When problem is identified by others ( psychiatrists, parents, schools, partners)  
• When there is no problem apparently and yet " something is missing"  

We do share our problems with a relative or a friend, which is very helpful, but sometimes people who are close to us cannot be neutral and unbiased, which is necessary to have a fresh perspective on a problem. Consider the following conversation: Friend 1: I am fed up with my husband. He does not listen to me.

When he is home he is glued to the news channel. He doesn't even care.

It's as if I don't matter to him. He is like a stone, I feel no emotional connect. Every day we end up fighting.

Friend 2: Don't take this lying down.

Don't let him take you for granted. I have seen this in my life, all men are like this. Handle this with care.

Friend 3: I completely sympathise with you. I have seen my aunt weeping all her life, my uncle would be busy and she would be so lonely.

After this conversation, Friend 1 may feel good that she has a few people ' on her side' who ' understand' her. But what actually happened is that her fear of being alone got reinforced. From Friend 2, she also got a justification for the fight that occurs every day between her and her husband. It is unlikely that Friend 1 may have any long- term benefits from such conversations.

Now let's look at an interaction between a therapist and a client.

( There are endless possibilities and this is strictly hypothetical.) Client: I am fed up with my husband.

He does not listen to me. When he is home he is glued to the news channel.

He doesn't even care. It's as if I do not matter to him. He is like a stone, I feel no emotional connect. Every day we end up fighting.

Therapist: What happens after the fighting? C: We do not talk for a few days and we go back to the same situation.

T: And by same situation what I understand is that you again start feeling that you do not matter? And he does not listen to you? C: Yes.

T: So when he comes back every day and sits in front of the TV, what do you exactly feel? C: I feel I am not important. The whole day I wait for him and he comes back and turns on the TV. T: Does he know that you feel this way? C: Is it not obvious? What is there to tell him? And I do tell him when we fight.

T: Yes, may be it is obvious to you but what if it's not obvious to him? C: Maybe I should try telling him how I feel. Actually it starts with irritation and my anger starts building up. I try to control it and after a while I burst into fighting and it becomes a scene.

Maybe I can try and communicate more openly.

Now this may not be a solution, but at least the client is ready to do something different other than following a tried- and- failed strategy. And it is expected that over few sessions she would find her way. Following are a few examples when one can go for counselling/ psychotherapy:  

Dealing with a crisis. It could be interpersonal ( such as abandonment, rejection, changing dynamics of relationships), personal ( such as discovery of a serious disease) or any change in the environment  

General dissatisfaction with life  Feeling stuck in the same pattern of interpersonal relationships or conditions  

Haunted by past trauma,

Mental stress

Skill development, such as confidence, concentration, focus, goal- setting and trusting others.

Various psychiatric disorder along with conventional treatment  Anxiety, fears and phobia 

A psychotherapist will help you build the skills to deal with the situation and become empowered.

Several corporate houses and sports authorities today use psychotherapeutic techniques to coach, mentor and bring out the best in their employees and trainees.

It would be best if each one of us could be our own therapist. One of the goals of therapy is to encourage clients to be their own therapists so that they are in a position to look at things with a new perspective and find more harmonious and functional solutions.

Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners, psychotherapists and life coaches Share your problems with them at  dr. sangbarta@ gmail. com

http://epaper.telegraphindia.com

Loss and Grief : T2 article Dated 1st June 2014.

Almost every day, Anamika, an independent- minded working woman in her 30s, tells her friends about how her marriage has become a living hell. Her husband is abusive and unconcerned about her. She has been thinking about walking out on him for the past five years, but has not yet been able to take even the first step. The solution looks pretty simple: she should separate from her husband and move on. But since she is unable to do that, it's quite possible that Anamika is actually grieving over the loss of her idea of a " happily ever after". We generally associate grief with loss, in the form of the death of a loved one. But grief can be the outcome of various kinds of losses, like what Anamika is going through, or retirement, loss of job, selling and moving house, loss of a dream or, for that matter, any kind of change. The intensity of our emotions depends on how significant the loss is to us personally. Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler Ross described the process of loss as going though five stages:  1. Denial:  Denial is refusing to acknowledge that a particular situation has occurred. " This is not real/ permanent" is the dominant thought. People go about their lives as though nothing has changed for them. In case the loss involves the death of a loved one, we may avoid acknowledging it completely. 2. Anger:  The intensity of the pain of loss comes out as anger, which may be directed at oneself, at loved ones or even God! Anamika might feel, " I deserve to suffer as I fell in love with this person". Severe manifestation of this feeling could be self- harm and self destructiveness. If it's directed at the husband, the thought could be, " I will stay in this marriage and make him suffer just as he has made me suffer." Or it could be: " God created this and now He will sort this out for me." Anger often creates deep resentments if not healed. It can cloud our judgement and take us away from reality. 3. Bargaining:  In this stage, we try and hold on to the situation as we see it. And we are willing to pay a price too. So, there maybe an attempt to strike a deal with God: " If you make it go away, then I will…" Anamika might mentally agree to quit her job " as a price" since that was what had " kept me from giving full attention to my husband". 4. Depression:  A sense of hopelessness takes over in this stage. Often one experiences intense sadness. Lack of motivation to do anything is common. This is a stage when one might need a friend, not to give advice, but just to lend an ear or a shoulder... to reach out. In this stage, talking and expressing the sadness helps. One might not be able to take an active step but the mourning actually helps as a preparation to accept the reality. 5. Acceptance:  This is the stage when one is ready for a resolution. There is an acceptance of the loss. One makes peace with what has happened. It does not mean that we are happy, but that we have reached an inner calm. This is the most empowered state, where one can rationally choose the next step. There is more focus on " what needs to be done" than " why it happened".  The process of grieving does not follow a linear course. It has its ups and downs. People who are grieving typically have good days and bad days. The important thing to remember is that it is normal and all right to feel the way you are feeling. And that it will get better. Be patient with your emotions.   The pain does not go away faster if you ignore it. It is more likely to intensify. Be comfortable with your true feelings.   You do not have to put up a brave face or be strong in front of family and friends. It is normal and okay to feel pain and sadness, be lonely and scared. Crying does not mean you are weak. It is also not true that if you don't cry, you do not feel as intensely as others. Be open to communicate how you are feeling. Sharing and seeking support helps us cope. We all have our own ways of expressing grief and they are all right. It is also possible to resolve grief without going through any of these stages. Just try to be in touch with the reality of " what is". The late poet Maya Angelou had said: " We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through." The secret of healing lies in allowing and admitting the changes. Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners, psychotherapists and life coaches Share your problems with them at dr. sangbarta@ gmail. com http://epaper.telegraphindia.com/paper