What's the real story beneath your emotions: T2 article dated 10th April 2016

Emotions, when suppressed and not given proper attention, have a funny way of expressing themselves. We are often deceived by them.

To understand our emotions and tackle them, we need to be patient and transparent with our feelings. Our judgements towards these emotions push them to hide behind some 'justified emotion', thus masking the real reason and the real emotion.

Missing somebody may be expressed as anger, sadness as coldness and aloofness, vulnerability as indifference or an I- don't- care attitude. To be able to restore balance and functionality, we need to acknowledge these expressions and allow them to show their true stories, with patience and self- compassion.

Unless we stop judging ourselves and allow ourselves to see our true emotions, it's hard to tackle them without causing self- deception and harm. During this process, doubting and questioning what we already know about ourselves is not a bad idea! Let's understand this with Roshan's example.

Roshan started therapy on the pretext of "helping" Sonia, his wife who was fighting depression, but agreed to continue his sessions with the therapist after realising that, unlike what he thought was the case, he was actually upset about his wife's mental illness. In a later session, he understood that he wasn't really angry with Sonia for not wanting to have a second child. Further, he realised that he felt he had let himself down and blamed himself for choosing somebody who was not like his positive and nurturing mother. Excerpts from the session that followed...

Therapist: Hello Roshan, how are you?
Roshan: I have been thinking about our last session and I am astonished to realise that all my anger toward Sonia is actually my frustration for not being able to give my child a childhood like mine. Since then, I have been introspecting more and my frustration is much less... and I am curious if there is something more to it.

T: Yes, and you also mentioned that you had a lovely childhood, your mother was very nurturing and she raised you single- handedly... 

R: Yes.

T: Tell me more about your mother… 

R: Oh, she is no more… she passed on before my marriage.

T: I am sorry to hear that.

R: Yes, she has been a monumental support in my life.

T: You miss her, don't you?
R: Yes I do, and I also feel guilty too...
T: Guilty for?
R: That I could not take care of her in her last days. I was abroad, studying… ( Pauses, looks teary)
T: I see... I can see that it's very difficult for you to make peace with the fact that you could not be there with your mother in her last days.

R: Yes, I feel I let her down. I feel I let myself down. I feel she deserved more loyalty from me... after all what she did.

T: I see.... Last time you had also said that you feel you have let your mother and yourself down by choosing a partner who is so different from your mother.

R: Yes, I remember that.

T: You wanting to see the exact qualities of your mother in your partner.... Which can be a normal desire and yet in your case your stress on that was great. Could this be your way of being with your mother's shadow?
R: ( Pauses) Possibly! And that's why I feel so frustrated and angry that Sonia is not like her.

Though ours was a love marriage and I was courting Sonia when my mother died, and I knew fully well that Sonia was not like my mother, I only started getting frustrated after our marriage.

T: So you knew that Sonia would be different from your mother.

R: Yes! They are two completely different human beings and it's foolish of me to expect Sonia to transform herself into my mother.

Though she got into depression only after our child was born… you are right. It is my need to have my mother back. I have been thinking and I know that my anger towards Sonia was coming from somewhere else. It makes sense now.

T: We all tell ourselves stories and believe them too. The important thing is being able to recognise them without strongly judging ourselves. How do you feel now?
R: I am speechless but I also feel lighter. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest.... I also feel bad for Sonia.

T: I am sure you can figure out how to be more supportive of her, especially when she needs you.

Roshan's guilt of not being there for his mother got turned into a compensatory need to be with a person who would be his mother's substitute, and when his wife was unable to fulfil this criterion due to whatever reason, he got frustrated and angry at himself and his wife. However, he justified his anger with a completely different story.

Being able to discover his actual agenda and cut through his own camouflaged sense of loss, Roshan was slowly able to make peace with his guilt. Eventually he felt a lot lighter and free and was able to be there for his wife.

[ The names and details in the examples have been modified] 

Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners, psychotherapists and life coaches. Share your problems with them at 
happinessinc.in@ gmail. com

http://epaper.telegraphindia.com

Acknowledging own emotions: T2 article dated 27th March 2016

When psychotherapist Marsha M. Linehan developed Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, she noted that the key to dealing with emotions, paradoxically, is by accepting them. The idea that emotions or feelings can be worked upon and perhaps be transformed, tamed or channelised is not a popular belief. When we feel bad, sad, worried, angry, humiliated and vulnerable, we also feel helpless that we feel that way. And the more we 'fight' these feelings and try to deny them, the more we become their victims. We get angry and frustrated that we are angry, we hate ourselves for being sad and depressed, and get defensive and aggressive when we feel vulnerable. A simple feeling is now transformed into layers of selfdefeating and complex emotions as we shied away from it. To a large extent, our logic and rationale is also the outcome of how we get affected by our own emotions and how we have learnt to deal with them. We seldom acknowledge our emotions without judgement and apart from suppressing them, ignoring them or being in denial of them, we rarely have any other mechanism to handle them. This can be true when we deal with our own emotions or someone else's emotions. The following case study throws light on this. Roshan seemed angry and frustrated when he came in for a session. His wife Sonia was going through depression and she would have regular therapy sessions as advised by her psychiatrist. Their daughter was three years old; Roshan wanted a second one but Sonia did not. This apparently made Roshan angry and after a little insistence from Sonia's therapist, he agreed to drop in to talk about his feelings, though " only to help" Sonia and " put things in perspective". Roshan: I just don't understand what Sonia's problem is. We have everything! She has the most wonderful daughter and a caring husband, why can't she be happy? What is her problem with having another child? It will be good for our daughter. Therapist: I see that you feel frustrated that Sonia doesn't seem to be happy. R: Yes! I give her everything. She doesn't have to work and nobody says anything to her yet she remains gloomy all day.... My mother had four children and after my father passed away early, she had to slog to raise us, yet she is the most positive person... and look at Sonia! T: Okay... it is specially difficult for you to understand Sonia when you have a reference point in the form of your own mother, who is efficient and nurturing… R: Yes, absolutely. She should be happy! T: I get why you are angry. Sonia doesn't fit into your idea of a positive, hard- working, nurturing mother.... R: Yes! T: So, you actually feel angry about Sonia's condition rather than her not wanting to have another child. R: I guess that's true. But I don't want to admit that to Sonia and I guess I feel let down by her... and I feel I let my mother down as I chose to marry Sonia. T: I see.... So you are angry at yourself, too, for choosing a person who doesn't fit into your mother's shoes. R: Yes. I think I don't want to admit that either… but Sonia can sense my frustration. I am trying to help her come out of the situation. I know that times have changed and it's wrong to expect Sonia to do what my mother used to, but I really want my child to have a normal childhood and a normal mother. T: So you want to help Sonia but she can sense your frustration. Is it possible that it creates a hindrance for her to feel good about herself and come out of the situation? R: (After a pause) Could be… Maybe I am harsh on her at times. I don't really want to be… T: Right. I can see that your intention is to make her feel better… R: Yes but perhaps in my overzealous way, I also make her sad… T: Maybe both of you can try to create a conducive environment at home where Sonia and you can express and work on your emotions? But first, let us be clear that this has little to do with having a second child. As you talk about the second child, Sonia feels pressured and cornered. Instead, just let her know that you want to help her be happy. R: I can do that. How Roshan reacted to Sonia's emotion can also be true for one's own harsh criticism towards one's own emotional state, which often aggravates problems than resolve them. Vishal came with a similar problem like Roshan's. He too was angry and he hated himself as he was feeling depressed and unable to come out of it. This anger made it more difficult for him to get out of the depression as he got trapped in the following cycle: Depression .. feeling that he is not good enough .. desperate to get rid of the depression .. anger towards self, self- loathing ( when unable to do get rid of depression) .. reinforcement of the belief that he is not good enough .. feeling more depressed. Acknowledging one's own emotions without any judgement and seeing them as they are is the first step towards being empowered. [The names and details in the examples have been modified] Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners, psychotherapists and life coach write to them at happinessinc.in@gmail.com http://epaper.telegraphindia.com