QnA Parenting: T2 article Dated 22nd July, 2018

Q. My 10-year-old cannot go to sleep unless he is in physical contact with someone. Even if it’s for just 10 minutes before sleeping. How do I change this? He will be going to boarding school next year and I need to get him out of this habit.

A: The best way to deal with it is to have a talk with him; explain the situation and tell him why you need to help him get over this habit. 

There are a few things you should be aware of. Has he always been this way, or is it a recent habit? If it has always been like this, then probably you or one of the family members has created this habit. In that case, you need to talk to him first and deal with the situation based on his reaction. You may need to gradually wean him off this habit. Offer to sit in the room initially as he tries to sleep. After a few days, let him try and sleep alone. 

If this is a recent development, you need to determine its cause. Many times, a child may be fearful of something or they may feel they are not getting the attention they need. Chat with them without criticising them and then act accordingly. Children at age 10 are capable of sleeping alone, so knowing the root of the problem will help you solve it easily. Ensure that the solution is something that he is comfortable with. 

Q. Is fidgeting a psychological disorder? Do I need to be worried if my child is constantly fidgeting?

A: Fidgeting by itself is not a psychological disorder. It can be a symptom of behavioural issues, depending on the age of the child, the frequency and duration of fidgeting and whether it is disrupting normal activities and studies. 

Children under five years are generally fidgety and curious about their environment. They are restless and want to move about. This pattern decreases as they grow older. Try to engage your child in physical activity and encourage them to play games which require focus and concentration. If the fidgeting is affecting their studies or activities, consult a child counsellor. 

Q. My 18-year-old son has made friends with a gang of boys who are into doping. How do I keep a check on him without antagonising him?

A: This depends on your dynamics with your son. If you have a friendly relationship and he trusts you, then having a few heart-to-heart conversations and explaining your reservations should be enough. Make sure that you have authentic information before you have these conversations. Do not discard the importance of his friendship; rather talk about what your concerns are. 

If he has been staying away from doping despite his friends being into it, please make sure to compliment him. And let him know that you trust him. If you are open and can be non-judgemental, children are quite eager to share their stories; for that, though, you have to first gain their trust. If you already have a difficult relationship, then take the help of a professional counsellor to improve your relationship. 

Q. My 10-year-old daughter is quite sharp, but her attention span is very poor. She is hyperactive too. How do I help her?

A: Kids are more active than adults and often appear to be hyperactive. They also have shorter attention spans. At 10 years, they cannot sit for long periods to study. 

There are different styles of studying. Some kids, especially those with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder), study better while moving around, others memorise better if they hear things and while some others are visual learners. Support your daughter by allowing her to learn in the style that suits her best. Try and make studies interesting for her. The sharper your child is, the more curious she will be and is more likely than others to be bored of things.

When studying, it is all right to give her a break after 30-40 minutes and resume. Encourage daily outdoor activities as children generally have lots of energy which needs to be spent. 

Various research shows that cutting out artificial sugars from a child’s diet helps those who are hyperactive. 

Reduce the time a child spends in front of the screen to a minimum, ideally not more than half an hour a day. If she still finds it difficult to concentrate, you can seek professional help. 

Q. How do I teach my nine-year-old son to handle rejection? From not being selected for the school football team to losing in a cricket tournament… of course, there are small rejections at every step.

A: There is no particular way to teach a child how to handle rejection. Children learn from their parents’ actions and responses — how you react to situations and respond to them. It is normal for your child to feel disheartened, let down, rejected when things don’t go their way. When you talk to your child, do not ignore these feelings. If they are very sad, tell them: “I know you are feeling sad, and it is okay. You can try next time.” 

Avoid trying to bribe your child with gifts or food to compensate for the rejection. Spend time with them, have a fun chat and play games when they feel disappointed and low. You can also assess your parenting strategies. Do you always say yes to your child or give in to their demands at some point? Then you need to start saying a firm no to their unreasonable demands. The skill to deal with rejection also comes from the ability to accept a no. 

Q. Bullying and physical violence is a major problem in boys’ schools. How do we advise our children to tackle that? Advising them to hit back always means encouraging them to be violent, while suffering quietly is seen as a mark of weakness.

A: Teaching your child about how to handle a bully is important irrespective of their gender. If there is physical violence involved where your son can be harmed, encourage him to report to an authority person immediately after the incident. Urge him to take precautions by making friends and staying with his group of friends. Teach him to shout out for help if he is alone and being harassed. Encourage your son when he helps his friends out in similar situations. Tell him: “Harassing someone is not acceptable behaviour, but that doesn’t mean that we retaliate by being the same way or taking law in our hands.”

Bullying is not just physical, there is verbal bullying, emotional bullying and cyber bullying. The key to tackling bullying is to have good communication with your child so that they can tell you without worrying about what is happening to them. The idea is to teach them to stand up for themselves, help them retain their self-esteem without encouraging to be violent or aggressive.

Q. To what extent do I allow my 10-year-old daughter to be on social media? Giving free access is proving to be addictive, while barring it is keeping her out of the loop while her peers are indulging in it. 

A: This is a very difficult and highly debated topic and it’s hardly possible to give a one-fits-all solution. The problem is not the fact that there is social media, it is how one uses it and for what one uses it. However, peer pressure should not be one of the reasons why you allow your child to use social media. Applications of social media is vast today; it includes various apps such as Facebook, YouTube, WhatsApp, Snapchat, Instagram and Tinder.

Homework assignment via WhatsApp is not harmful, but sharing private pictures or whereabouts to strangers on Facebook or Snapchat can be. 

Study and project material can be found online, so a blanket ban on social media is not a solution for the children of this generation. But as access to electronics increases, the electronic addiction also increases. You as parents have to be informed and discern which is the app that you will allow access to and which you won’t. Then fix a duration for which the child is allowed access to social media. Limit the duration of the overall screen usage as well. Do not allow online gaming every day. 

We believe, and these rules are arbitrary, that in the current Indian context, children should not have personal accounts on any social media before they are 15. For a 10-year-old, it is advisable to have limited and supervised access to an online medium.

Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners and practising psychotherapists. They conduct individual and group therapy sessions in Kolkata.

https://epaper.telegraphindia.com

Work Stress/ "Load Shedding" : T2 article dated 8th July 2018

In a recent study of the American workforce, 77 per cent of the working individuals surveyed reported being unhappy because of work-related stress. Many of us could say the same about ourselves — the enormous stress that we feel because of our jobs. When we get stressed at work, it spills on to other aspects of our lives. Understanding how we behave, perform, respond and cope in our workplace is the key to dealing with stress in the long run. 

What is stress?

Stress is our physiological and psychological preparation for a real or presumed challenging situation. 

When we sense there’s a crisis coming up, we mentally switch to a crisis management state, we become alert, our blood pressure rises, the heart pounds, breathing becomes heavy, muscle tightens. Our body gets ready to fight or take flight. This priming response, which we recognise as the stress response of our body, is very important for our survival. When the crisis is over, our body is geared to go back to its normal state.

These physiological changes are not harmful to the body as long as the body returns to it’s resting or baseline equilibrium reasonably quickly, and what is causing the stress is there only for a limited time period. 

We also experience these biological changes when we get excited, say, when watching the World Cup match between Argentina and France, or doing physical training, or even when we have a fanboy/fangirl moment with a celebrity. Many might actually enjoy the adrenaline rush and crave it, as it lets us experience a sense of excitement, thrill and aliveness. It is only when our body’s functions do not return to their baseline — either due to long-standing exposure to the stressor, or because we don’t know how to disengage from the crisis situation and give ourselves a break — that stress actually gets to us and becomes harmful. 

Stress at the workplace

We may not realise it, but an insecure work environment, even when it works in our favour, actually can build up constant anticipatory stress and hurt our productivity. A workplace that is friendly and cooperative will naturally make one secure, relaxed and at ease. So nurturing a supportive work environment goes a long way toward reducing stress. Here are a few things we can do reduce work stress for ourselves and for our colleagues. 

Support your team

Listen to everyone in your team and respect them for their uniqueness. Avoid being a bully; instead, be there for the other person. Motivate, mentor and groom your juniors and help out your colleagues. They are likely to help you when you need their support! Avoid powerplay and favouritism. Sometimes in the guise of being playful or pulling someone’s leg for fun, we end up ridiculing, isolating, hurting or breaking our co-worker’s morale. Watch out against that. 

Avoid setting unrealistic targets and deadlines

Perhaps nothing stresses us out more than a feeling of helplessness when we deal with a situation that’s beyond our capacity. There is rarely anything more uncomfortable than the constant reminder of our inability to do something which can alter the outcome. What can one do in such a situation? 

1) Do not overcommit:

 If you are in a position to make decisions, try not to commit more than you can realistically deliver. Have a discussion with other team members to estimate the time needed to finish the work. Many a time, in our zeal, to push ourselves or please others or because of our inability to say ‘no’, we bite off more than we can chew. It may sound dynamic, but in the long run, it only takes away from the productivity of the team.

2) Communicate:

 If you don’t have a say in setting the deadline and it is imposed on you, try and communicate your concern and reservation to the team leader and the members objectively and gently. Make sure that you put your best foot forward but also prepare yourself that you may not have any control over the outcome. Support other team members and work towards the goal, keeping in mind that your estimation might be wrong and you may actually be able to meet the deadline. 

3) Plan and strategise:

 Break up your larger goal into bite-sized goals and spread them over a week, so that you have smaller daily targets. Prioritise the bigger picture, which is important, and focus and work towards it. A planned approach will put you at ease; it is the direct antidote to fight feelings of helplessness.

Fear of underperforming

It is important for us to be noticed, acknowledged and appreciated for our contribution. It is important for us to do well and live up to our own expectations. And in a situation where we are lagging behind, we may find ourselves unhappy and stressed. To deal with it, the following steps can be helpful.

1) Avoid comparisons with colleagues: 

Comparisons polarise us. Either we feel flawless and hence superior, or we feel deeply inadequate and hence inferior. Disengage when your colleagues play one-upmanship driven by their insecurities. To be on top of your game, you need to choose your battles carefully. 

2) Set goals for self-improvement and learning:

 Rather than trying to be better than your colleagues, try bettering your performance! Assess your skillset and aim at improving it. A self-focused growth plan can greatly help in reducing the fear of underperforming. 

3) Take unfair appraisal in your stride: 

Don’t be too harsh on yourself or hold onto grudges when you are given a poor appraisal. Sometimes you may not be given a justified appraisal even with your genuine effort and contributions, at other times, office politics or unconscious biases may affect you negatively. Try to not be bogged down and focus on what you can change. Communicate with your HR or manager. Discuss calmly why you have been scored so and what you can do to improve your performance. 

Burnout

Work can be hectic and because we spend more time at work (including travel time) than ever before, it is vital that we are in fine form, physically and mentally. These small steps go a long way in preventing burnout.

1) Devise a switch-off switch-on office ritual: 

Try to switch off from work worries when you step out of the office. You can create a visual ritual to remind you of this. Imagine putting all the worries and issues in a backpack, zipping it and placing it under your office desk before leaving work. 

2) Participate in activities: 

Spend time outside your work; pursue a hobby or some extra-curricular activity. This will help to disengage from the stress and allow your mind to unwind. You can use meditation apps daily or try some residential meditational courses once in a while. Prioritise family and social connection time when you are out of your office. 

3) Get enough sleep: 

Having a good sleep cycle is important to rejuvenate your body and mind. To have sound sleep, avoid caffeine, watching television and using social media before going to bed.

4) Eat right: 

Are you going hungry for long hours and then end up binge eating? Eating right is not just about what you eat and how much you eat. It also matters when you eat. Eat at regular intervals and keep healthy snacks or fruits handy. 

5) Exercise: 

If you can’t manage 30 minutes of exercise during the day, break it down into 10-minute chunks thrice a day. At work, take regular breaks to stretch, especially if you have to sit for long hours.

6) Vacationing: 

It is needless to highlight the importance of a little time off once in a while. Plan and prioritise your vacations carefully. The idea is to give your body and mind an opportunity to recuperate and rest from the perceived crisis. 

https://epaper.telegraphindia.com