How to deal with exam fear: T2 Article dated 19th Jan' 2014

Fear is one of the biggest anxiety generators, a performance killer. As exam season approaches, there's panic, anxiety, stress. We've got kids and young students in the family who are underachieving due to fear related to either the subjects, exam or performance.

As parents, we also feel very pressured and many a time we unwittingly add to this pressure to perform.

Our need to see our children succeed becomes so strong that we contribute to the fear and lay down the path for their failure.

Tips for parents to deal with their kids' performance anxiety... 

Stay calm: 

It's your child's exam, not yours. The best way to help your child is by staying calm. Be there for your child when they rattle off, desperate sentences like ' I am going to flunk' or ' I am not going to study anymore'. Listen, don't react. Let them vent.

Encourage: 

Comparisons are not motivating. Show and express your belief in your child. Use positive, encouraging words.

Look after your child's health: Make sure they eat, sleep and exercise enough and regularly. And that they don't have too much caffeine, especially the night before an exam. A healthy body means a healthy mind.

Be supportive: 

When your child is struggling with a particular subject, don't dismiss him/ her as being lazy or not studying hard. Point out the problem. Asking a teacher to pay more attention or getting a tutor for extra help or a change in tutor may be the keys.

Keep things in perspective: 

Though very important, Classes X and XII are not the end- all and be- all of life. Your child is not defined just by exam results. There are lots of career options out there.

Tips for students to cope with exam pressure... 

1. Soft belly exercise ( abdominal breathing): 

When you feel pressured, try this exercise to calm down. Practice this at least once a day to master the technique.

Sit comfortably with your eyes closed. Think about something that's soothing and peaceful, it maybe a garden or a beach. Inhale and exhale slowly and deeply. As you breathe in, try to push your abdomen out, and as you breathe out pull your abdomen in. Imagine that you are breathing in ' relaxation' and it's filling up your body, and you are breathing out all the stress, tension and worries. Continue doing this till you achieve a regular rhythmic breath pattern and your whole body feels relaxed. Whenever your mind drifts, gently bring your focus to breathing in ' relaxation' and breathing out ' stress'. 

2. Affirmation: 

Create a mantra for yourself which you can chant. Before study, during study, during breaks when you are going to your school or before exam, keep chanting it. ' I am calm and relaxed, and I easily memorise everything that I study.... I recall easily. Exams are fun and I am giving my best.' Or, try this. ' I am confident and I am at my best. I study calmly and I memorise easily. Studying is relaxing and easy.' Or, ' I am confident, I am calm and I believe in myself.' You can create one on your own.

Just start with ' I…' and keep it in the present tense. Keep chanting this personal mantra. You can also write it in a diary 21 times or even say it while looking at yourself in the mirror for added benefits.

3. Quick relaxation before study: 

Clench your fists and stiffen your entire body. Hold for a few seconds and then let go. Relax. Repeat five- six times and let this relaxation spread to your entire body. Feel your entire body relaxing, as if these relaxing waves are reaching your brain and revitalising it, energising all the nerve cells. You are becoming more focused and your concentration is increasing manifold.

4. Projection technique ( at night before going to sleep): 

Take a few deep breaths, make yourself comfortable and relax. Imagine yourself sitting in your own private cinema hall with the screen in front of you.

And now watch a special movie of your life. Watch all the times you felt happy, confident and great about yourself. Enjoy these moments.

And now see yourself preparing for exams with this same happiness and confidence. It becomes easier to study when you feel great about yourself. Now, see yourself in the exam hall, sitting calmly and confidently as you are handed the question paper. Observe yourself writing the exam, being able to answer the entire question paper. You are able to recollect easily all that you have studied. Notice how you feel as you come out of the hall. Feel this positive feeling in your body; let it expand and course through your entire body.

Practise these techniques regularly to see how your focus, concentration and memory improves. And watch how you come out in flying colours! 

Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners, psychotherapists and life coaches.

http://epaper.telegraphindia.com/paper 

 

Parenting : T2 article Dated 5th Jan' 2014

Having and raising children can not only be one of the most joyful experiences but one of the most challenging as well. There is no ' formula' for parenting and all of us are bound to mess up in varying degrees. What we can try and do is communicate correctly with our kids so that they understand us.

Here are some pointers to help you improve your communication with your little ones.

Listen: 

Try to understand them.

Listen to the child patiently and let them finish what they have to say, without correcting or interrupting.

What appears trivial to you may be very important for him/ her.

Respond, not react: 

Instead of reacting immediately to whatever the child says or does, take a few moments to pause and then respond calmly.

Behave: 

Recently a couple came in for therapy with their child who was lying pretty often. During counselling we got to know that the father ran a business from home for which he had to ' manipulate the truth' while talking to suppliers and clients.

Behave in the manner you want your child to behave with others.

The old adage that ' the child learns what he sees, not what he hears' is true. Biologically, our brains are

hardwired to learn through mimicking. So, whether we actually perform an action or we simply watch the action being performed by another, our brain fires the same neurons. For example, when you want your child to calm down, shouting at him/ her is not going to help. Speak to them in a normal voice. Demonstrate calmness through your behaviour with others.

Set an example, rather than preach.

Connect: 

If you want your children to do something other than what they are doing, join them in their activity for a while and then gently ask them to stop it. For example, instead of commanding ' turn off the TV, it's time for dinner', go to the room where your child is watching TV, join him/ her for a few minutes and then, during a commercial break, have him/ her turn off the TV. 

Reward your child: 

When rewarding the child, try to focus on non- materialistic things,

like a picnic, a family outing or a game together, rather than objects.

Instead of punishing the child when you're angry, wait till you're calmer. Don't take out your anger on your child in the name of correcting him/ her. Punishment is meant to encourage positive behaviour in the child.

Instruct: 

When instructing or telling your child to do something, keep it short and simple. The younger the child, the shorter their attention span. You may have to remind them, but avoid nagging while reminding. Try and offer choices wherever possible. Instead of saying, ' change your pyjamas and brush your teeth', ask ' would you like to change your pyjamas first or brush your teeth?' 

Follow the rule of two- and- a- half minutes: 

When pointing out your child's mistake, try to wrap it up in twoand- a- half minutes. Tell them you want to talk about something very important. In the first 60 seconds, say what he/ she is doing right and how happy you feel about it. For example, ' I am very happy that you shared your chocolate with your sister.' In the next 60 seconds, talk about the problem as a ' scope for improvement'. In the last 30 seconds, tell them that you love them and again praise them for

what they are doing right. If your child is less than six, finish it in one- and- a- half minutes but in the same sequence and proportions.

Expect age appropriate behaviour: 

Expecting the child to ' behave maturely' or to ' think about the future', especially when they are less than 10 years old, does not help.

These concepts are alien to them as they live in the present. The logic that parents work very hard and therefore children should study hard holds no meaning for them.

Let children enjoy: 

You want to raise a happy child, not a successful robot. Let them enjoy the process rather than the competition. Teach them to take defeat and limitations gracefully.

Let your child see that you are happy. Spend leisure time with them and avoid turning it into teaching time. Limit the exposure to electronic media, TV, iPad, cell phone or video games. Instead interact with them, spend time with them, and try to understand them.

Parenting is an ongoing learning project. If you are open and flexible, it can teach you many things about yourself and about life.

Happy parenting this New Year! 

Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners, psychotherapists and life coaches Share your problems with them at dr. sangbarta@ gmail. com.

http://epaper.telegraphindia.com/paper/20-24-05@01@2014-1001.html

Questions and Answers: T2 Article dated 14th Dec' 2013

Q1.If there is somebody who has wronged me, how can I be loving and kind to that person? Does that mean I need to accept everything that's being thrown at me? Can't I be angry with a person for the right reasons? 

One can always get angry at a person.

But it is not beneficial to hold on to the anger. There is a difference between being angry at the ' action' of a person and being angry at the person. When one is angry at the action of a person, it becomes easier to utilise this anger in a constructive manner to take proactive action. It can also serve as a driving force for a greater cause, as in the case of Mahatma Gandhi or Nelson Mandela.

On the other hand, anger towards a person only serves us to take personal revenge at most. This anger can become a reason for overwhelming emotional drain, which gradually weakens one. One of the proven effective ways to remain emotionally balanced and efficient is through the practice of Metta meditation, or Loving Kindness meditation. Practising Metta helps us become more calm, centred, balanced, compassionate and empathetic. It helps us go beyond emotional turmoil and think clearly and neutrally. Through practice one gets trained to appreciate the goodness in people in spite of their faults. But it also means if one has to stand up against a ' wrong' act, one can do so in a calm and collected manner.

Q2.I feel my whole family, except my father, judges me all the time. My sister is very close to my mom and somehow even though I want to connect with my mom I can't, because my mom tells everything to her. If I do something wrong, my mom always tells my sister first instead of coming up to me and this is leaving me helpless.

Her opinions about me get influenced by my sister's opinions and the whole judging process starts. Please help because I don't like the idea of not sharing anything with my mom just because of my sister.

We all want to prove that we are correct. So as we make assumptions and conclusions about people and situations, we simultaneously look for ways to prove to ourselves that we are right. When you make an assumption that ' my whole family except my father judges me all the time', unconsciously a part of you tries to prove that you are right. We develop a tendency to look at only those situations which highlight our assumptions/ beliefs. It might be possible that your mom is not sure how to communicate with you or is too apprehensive about your reaction.

We would suggest that you try spending time with your mom.

Initially try talking in general, sharing something casual and not emotionally charged. Don't try to address this ' hot topic' very fast, as it might lead to an argument, justifications or accusations. Wait for some time and when you are ready you can maybe go out with her and have a heart- to- heart chat about how you feel, just the way you are telling us, without blaming her.

Gently express yourself to her.

Reassure her with your behaviour.

Say that you are open and would welcome anything from her directly rather than coming from somebody else. Be brave and prove to her that you can take any criticism or advice calmly when it comes from her directly. Do not expect magic. You may have to do this many a time before she changes her communication pattern. Be patient.

Be gentle. Do not lose your cool. Do not retreat into your shell. Calmness and patience are the keys here.

Q.3.A) You have advised us to communicate one's needs. I tell my partner that I need his appreciation. He says that he is not that kind of a person and he won't be able to do all this.

B) My husband travels a lot and when he comes home, he is busy with his family, friends and his photography. I feel rejected and lonely. In spite of trying to explain my problem, he does not listen.

In both your cases, you'll have explained yourselves in every possible way, gently, calmly without blaming and still it possibly did not work. Having done so, when you choose to stay in the relationship, the only thing that can be done is to try and accept your partner the way he is, and make peace with the fact that probably you cannot ' make him' understand you, trust you, or give you love the way you want it. You can only work on yourself, your need for appreciation and your need for assurance that he trusts you or that he does not reject you.

For example, if you have a bedridden patient in your house, you would not expect him/ her to go answer the doorbell. Similarly, try to accept your husband's inability to appreciate you, if you want to have a relationship without fights.

Sometimes we do not get what we want. Introspect on your relationship. Many times the way we understand the expression of love is different from that of our partner.

Some express love verbally. Others express love in terms of spending quality ' us' time, and few show love silently by standing beside you when you need them in times of crisis.

Problem arises when two partners communicate in two different love languages. Not only does each expect his/ her partner to understand his/ her language but also reciprocate the love in their own language. An important aspect of relationships is to try and understand and accept the differences.

( Names have been withheld)

Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners, psychotherapists and life coaches Share your problems with them.

http://epaper.telegraphindia.com/paper/26-24-15@12@2013-1001.html 

Communication in relationship: T2 Article dated 1st Dec' 2013

After a long and tiring week, Rajiv is looking forward to Sunday. No alarm to wake him up, no schedules, no meetings. He has just settled down with t2 when he hears wife Diya say: " There is no milk and bread in the house." Rajiv decides to get them in the evening when he would go out. Half an hour later, they have the following conversation:  D: Why haven't you got the milk and bread? How will we have breakfast?  R: ( Surprised) But you never told me to get the milk and bread now!  D: Rajiv, didn't I tell you that there's no milk and bread in the house? Last evening we discussed that we had run out of eggs. R: But you didn't tell me! D: Don't lie! You just want to read your paper and don't care about anything else. Falling in love and staying happy in a committed long- term relationship are two different things. Many of us, men and women alike, look at relationships as a kind of destination, rather than a journey. We act as though there is an unwritten law that just because we are now together, we will remain together forever. The reality is, a relationship needs constant work from both the partners to keep the spark alive. It needs understanding, commitment and action on an everyday basis. And the key to this is clear communication. COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY  There are three components of communication.  Sender: What I mean to say.  The message: What I actually say.  Recipient: What is understood, or the outcome. In Neuro- Linguistic Programming (NLP), the purpose of communication is to bring about a desired outcome. Unless it fulfils the desired outcome, it is ineffective. Now let's take Diya's example. What Diya meant to say: Please go buy milk and bread. We need it for breakfast. What Diya actually said: There is no milk and bread in the house. What Rajiv deduced: I'll pick it up in the evening. Communication has a verbal and a non- verbal component. The tone of the voice, body language, facial expressions and genuineness — all play a huge part. One needs to develop the skill as a sender as well as a receiver for effective and harmonious communication. Try these 12 steps and watch how your relationship with your partner gets better by the day:  1) Communicate: When talking to your partner, be open to his/ her point of view. Make sure your partner does not feel rejected as an individual. Communicate regularly and often to let your partner know that you care for him/ her. Your love is not an automatically ' understood' fact. 2) Be specific: There are various ways to interpret the same sentence. Avoid ambiguity and be as specific as possible. 3) Express your needs: What is ' common sense' for you may not be so for your partner. 4) Take responsibility for your needs: Do not give justifications like ' Everybody needs appreciation'. If you need it, say it clearly: ' I need your words of appreciation now and then to motivate myself. Could you please do that?' Do not get irritated at having to remind your partner often. Old habits die hard. 5) Request, don't demand: Remember there is no universal law that your needs have to be fulfilled by your partner. But you can always request him/ her to help you get what you want. 6) Reach out: Express your love verbally and non- verbally casually or after an argument. A hug, some flowers, spending quality time or an occasional surprise gift go a long way in reassuring that you are there for him/ her. It's a must in most relationships. 7) Avoid sentences... like ' because of you...', ' you do/ don't...' Instead of blaming the other, focus on solutions. Also, steer clear of judgemental sentences like ' you are selfish/ you don't care/ you are a liar'. 8) Be respectful: Just because he/ she is close to you does not mean you can behave with them whatever way you like. 9) Listen: When you are listening, ' be there'. Truly. Ask your partner, ' Are you okay?' and then listen to what they have to say. 10) Do away with your agenda: When you are listening, stop thinking how to prove your partner wrong, or how to make your point clear. Instead, acknowledge your partner's feelings. 11) Wait, be patient: Let your partner finish what they have to say. Save your views till your partner is done expressing theirs. Be willing to take turns even when it's a heated argument. 12) Make empathy the norm: Empathy does not mean you have to always agree with what your partner is saying. It means you do not judge them just because they have a different take than yours. Avery D. Weissman, professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, describes empathy as ' respect for another person's irrationality'.  Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners, psychotherapists and life coaches.

http://epaper.telegraphindia.com/paper/21-24-01@12@2013-1001.html

Revisit your learning: T2 article dated 17th Nov' 2013

Has your world come crashing down when someone betrayed your trust? Could you never trust anyone again, and yet never realised why? Or, never fallen in love again and always wondered why the right man/ woman never crossed your path? Yes? Welcome to Riddhi's world. Riddhi, a homemaker, and Abhay, an executive, came in for relationship counselling. The following is an extract from one of their therapy sessions.

Therapist: So, Riddhi, what happens when Abhay goes on long business trips? 

Riddhi: I feel very lonely and I feel insecure.

T: What do you mean by that? 

R: All kinds of negative thoughts come to my mind... like he is having an affair. Or that he is going to leave me and go away. I feel miserable.

T: Okay... 

R: I feel he does not love me. And I know there is no rationale to it.

T: So you feel unloved.

R: Yes.... 

T: Do you feel not loved only when Abhay is out of town? 

R: (Long pause) Actually, I always feel this way... with Abhay, my parents and even my friends... 

T: Okay... 

R: It all started with a broken engagement with another guy. Abhay knows about it... (Abhay nods) I was engaged to this guy and I poured my heart out to him and then suddenly they broke off the engagement without giving any reason.... I was devastated for a long time. I didn't know what happened.

T: I see... 

R: I blamed myself for the whole thing... I blamed myself for loving him and feeling miserable. I felt nobody could love me ever. It was too much pain for me... I felt I couldn't trust anyone again... 

We selectively try to 'learn' from our negative experiences how to avoid them. These mechanisms become our survival skills for sometime, but they also close us up.

To protect ourselves, we create walls around us and then we get disconnected from our inner selves.

We learn 'never to love again', 'never to trust again', 'never to be open again' and hold on to the pain, anger and hurt inside us as a reminder of our learning. We yearn to fill the void, desperately waiting for ' others' to love us. 

Blindfolded, we look for the connection outside which we have severed inside.

It is difficult to find love and happiness outside when there is no love for ourselves. And it is impossible to love oneself fully if we can't accept ourselves in totality.

So, let's step out of our comfort zone, overcome our fear and embrace our vulnerability. And a great way to inch towards this is by practising Metta meditation.

'Metta' is a Pali word meaning loving kindness. This is a Buddhist meditation with an inside- out approach to fill your heart with positivity and love for yourself first, and then extend it to others.

How to practise Metta meditation: 

Relax and sit upright. Take a few moments to quiet your mind by focusing on your breathing. Begin by offering Metta to yourself.

Visualise your heart filling up with love for yourself, allow yourself to feel safe and cared for. Gently repeat to yourself: .. May I be safe and protected.

.. May I be peaceful and happy.

.. May I be healthy and strong.

.. May I be able to take care of myself, joyfully.

When you are comfortable, try offering Metta to someone you like, love or care about. Imagine them standing in front of you and allow the love from your heart to flow to them. Repeat the same lines for them. Once your Metta flows easily to a loved one, do the same for someone you neither like nor dislike, and then a slightly difficult person. With practice, and if you are ready, you can offer it for someone who you felt had hurt you.

For each person you offer Metta, including yourself, recite the phrases for a few minutes. Finally, imagine this loving kindness spreading to all the people you know and then spreading further to all living beings.

It may seem a little unreal at first, but it will change with practice.

If you've distracting thoughts, acknowledge them. Remember it's all about acknowledging and accepting. One needs to practice this for six to eight weeks daily to experience a change. Regular practice not only helps you stay positive but also helps you stay calm in difficult situations.

Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners, psychotherapists and life coaches.

http://epaper.telegraphindia.com/paper/17-24-17@11@2013-1001.html

Core beliefs: T2 Article dated 3rd Nov' 2013

As we get ready to make our houses sparkle with lights this evening, let's also shed a little light on the dark corners of our inner selves.

Let's go a little deeper to understand how our perceptions depend on our innate or core beliefs about life.

Core beliefs are the essence of how we see ourselves, people, the world and even our future. They may be positive — ' I am capable', ' Life is full of exciting opportunities'. Or they may be negative — ' I'm not good enough', ' Nobody loves me', ' I am helpless'. Now consider the following example.

Situation: Neha finds out that her friends went out for lunch together and did not invite her.

Neha's first thought: ' They don't like me and don't want to be with me.' 

Neha's emotion: Sadness.

Neha's core belief: ' I am unlovable' or ' No one loves me'. 

HOW DO YOU IDENTIFY YOUR CORE BELIEFS? 

One way is to observe your random thoughts. These are the thoughts that pass through our minds constantly, the constant chatter going on in our head. ' I want to have a healthy lunch today', ' I am going to make my daughter study for her test', ' That lady reminded me of my sister', ' Why can't my boss have a little more faith in me?'... Once you identify the train of thoughts, you can question it to get to you core belief. Ask yourself questions like: ' If that's true, what does it mean?' ' What's bad about it?' ' What does it say about me?' Let's illustrate the process through Neha's example.

Neha's first thought: ' My friends don't like me and don't want to be with me.' If that's true, what does it mean? ' There must be something wrong with me.' What does it mean? ' I'll never be able to have close friends.' What does it say about me? ' I'll never be able to have a relationship.' What does it mean? ' I'M UNLOVABLE.' WHAT CAN YOU DO TO CHANGE YOUR CORE BELIEF Once you have identified your core belief, ask yourself, ' What experiences do I have that show this belief is not completely true all the time?' Make a list of such experiences.

Use these experiences to challenge your current belief and then replace it with a new balanced belief.

In Neha's case, some of the positive experiences that counter her core belief ('I am unlovable') and which she can focus on might be:  When I was in school, I had two really good friends. We hung out together almost every day.

Unfortunately, we didn't keep in contact after we left school, but I did have friends who liked me.

I had a neighbour who became quite a good friend. She moved cities for work now, but we still keep in touch.

At the hospital where I volunteer, there is someone I have coffee with.

Now, her balanced core belief might be: ' Not everyone will like me all the time, but I am likeable to some people.' Often, belief systems lead to unhealthy expectations from oneself, others, situations and life in general. If you have the core belief ' I am not loved', it may very often give rise to an unhealthy expectation or Brooke Davis has that ' aha' moment in the hitTV show OneTree Hill

need for love from others.

If the core belief is ' I am not good enough', it can create a constant need to prove you are good. These expectations from the self or others can put immense pressure on you and your relationships, both personal and professional.

We all can justify our expectations. But it is important to check them, and if need be, challenge and change them. The question to ask is ' Are my expectations empowering me?', ' Are they making me happy?' Happy Diwali! Do write to us.

Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners, psychotherapists and life coaches

http://epaper.telegraphindia.com/paper/3-24-03@11@2013-1001.html

Other side of the coin: T2 Article dated 20th Oct' 2013

The Greek philosopher Epictetus had said: "People are not disturbed by things, but by the views they take of them." Truly, what we think is not always how things are. If we keep this in mind, life may be a lot easier.

Ramesh (name changed), a 42- year- old businessman, came for therapy because he would feel low most of the time and was unable to focus at work. In his second therapy session he revealed having a strained relationship with his father. 

The following conversation between Ramesh (R) and the therapist (T) was a part of his third therapy session.

R: As I am talking about my father I feel so angry, my whole body is shivering and my heart is racing.

T: Okay.

R: He always picks on me. For him I am not good enough. He always favours my brother.

T: Okay. And how do you know that? R: Every time my brother faces a crisis, my father asks me to help him.

At the end I don't even receive a word of appreciation. He is always partial to my brother even though it's my hard work that has turned our family business around. The whole family is benefitting from it but he never acknowledges it.

T: So, you are saying that you want appreciation from your father for your achievements? 

R: Exactly! I have done so much, but it's never enough! 

T: So, could it be possible that his favouritism towards your brother is actually coming from the knowledge that you are stronger and you don't need his support? 

R: He says that! 

T: Well, is it possible that every time he has been partial to your brother he was actually complimenting you silently on your strength, as you don't need him to be partial to you? 

R: (After a long pause) I think it is possible to look at it that way.

T:Then can you consider the possibility that by not acknowledging you, your father was actually acknowledging you? R: Wow! I never thought of it that way! T: How do you feel now? 

R: When I look at it this way, my anger is gone. I feel calm and can actually think of him without the bitterness.

This is one example of how we create our own realities based on how we interpret a certain thing. In this case, Ramesh thought he was the unfavoured son and not good enough for his father, as his father didn't verbalise any appreciation. But the fact was that his father trusted Ramesh's ability to handle a crisis and did tell him that he was strong, that he didn't need his support.

When Ramesh opened up to the alternative perspective that his father's way of appreciating was different from what he expected, his feelings towards his father changed.

Assuming, interpreting and drawing our own conclusions is important to our existence and daily life. But not all our impressions and inferences are absolutely correct. To stay happy one often needs to explore one's beliefs and assumptions and, if need be, change them. Here are some tips... Check your interpretation: Could there be another explanation? For example, is it possible that my friend was really busy when he said ' will talk later' and hung up, and my interpretation ' he is avoiding me' is actually not true? Could I be wrong to assume that my sister- in- law was ' shutting me out' just because she was quiet lately? Maybe she was distracted about something.

Remember these are subjective conclusions, not tested facts.

Evaluate your ' obvious' interpretations and be open to discard them if needed.

Challenge your all- or- none thought: We have a tendency to generalise, but life isn't about absolutes. One fight with your boyfriend or one rejected proposal does not mean ' nobody loves me'. Just the previous week your neighbour baked a cake for your birthday. Similarly, one failure doesn't mean ' I am a failure'. Question yourself: Check if your beliefs are helping you be happy, strong and empowered, or sad and weak. It's all right to change your earlier decisions, strategies and ' way of dealing' with something if they are not working for you anymore. Yesterday's smart approach can turn into today's self- defeating pattern. Be flexible to let go of your old interpretations and perspectives.

Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners, psychotherapists and life coaches.

http://epaper.telegraphindia.com/paper/20-24-20@10@2013-

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