Q & A for the parents of exam going students: T2 Article dated 22nd Feb'2015

In the past few weeks, there has been a surge of anxious parents in our clinic. The board exams are near, parents are worried and the kids are edgy. Many of them are taking a board exam for the first time. For many parents, too, it's their first experience. We have tried to answer a few questions that we have received in this context.

Q: I have a daughter who is appearing for her Class X exams.

She studies with the help of a couple of tuitions and gets decent marks. However, she cries a lot during exam time and everytime she says she's going to flunk.

She's our only daughter, and both my husband and I feel helpless during her exams. Sometimes we feel she is having a nervous breakdown and we really don't know what to do.

We understand that your daughter shows this kind of behaviour during all her exams, yet she gets decent marks. Assuming that this has been her standard behaviour and despite this has ended up with decent marks, both you and your husband can calm down.

Understand that though her crying and anxiety may be stemming from a genuine concern about her performance, she is not yet able to gauge the degree of her preparation.

This is something that many children go through.

As a parent, you need to give them space to vent, yet at the same time, gently bring their focus back to the job at hand. Later, after the exams, take this up with your daughter and let her know that she doesn't have to panic as much as she does. You may also consider taking professional help from a counsellor to help your daughter break this behavioural pattern.

But at this eleventh hour, any effort to try and change her can backfire.

So for the time being, stay calm and be there for your daughter with words of positive encouragement. Be gentle, and not forceful, to help her stay on track. Try not to sound as if you are trivialising the matter and be available for her when she rants, like when she says she's going to fail. Tell her calmly that she just needs to focus on her exam, not the marks. In your mind tell yourself this is just a phase and she will take the exam and perform just as she has done before.

Q: My son is appearing for his board exams. We feel he is not studying enough. He's always been very sharp but lazy. During this last leg of preparation, when his classmates are studying 12- 16 hours, he studies a maximum of 8- 10 hours. He sleeps during the day for a couple of hours and takes frequent breaks while studying. His five- minute breaks invariably turn into 15 minutes and if we try to push him, he gets angry, sulks and does not study for the next few hours. The atmosphere in the house becomes tense.

How do we encourage him to study more so that he can perform according to his potential? 

In this last leg of preparation, it is important that your son stays mentally and emotionally healthy. Anger, bitterness and a feeling of being pressured can be counter- productive.

We all learn, store and recall information differently. Our ability to focus and how we make an effort varies from person to person, much like our intelligence.

The ability to focus for more than an hour at a time is a learnt behaviour; it requires practice and time.

Given that your son is just about to take his board exams, this may not be the best time to ask him to change his study pattern. You can remind him gently, and with positive words, to reduce the duration of his breaks.

As far as the sleeping goes, a child needs seven to eight hours of sleep for him/ her to perform optimally, to remember and recall better. It is during our sleep time that our memories are formed. So let him get his rest.

It is difficult to stay calm when you see your child is not performing as best as he can. But be patient and calm. Having conflicts at this time is not going to help either him or you.

In the rush to push your child to be the best, do not harm your relationship with him.

We wish all the best to our young readers for their upcoming exams.

Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners, psychotherapists and life coaches Share your problems with them at 

dr. sangbarta@ gmail. com

http://epaper.telegraphindia.com/paper

Appraisal, Cognition,Impulse, Action: Understanding our emotions : T2 Article dated 8th March, 2015

When we feel something strongly, most of the time our awareness stays in the causality of the external factors. We tend to believe that the genesis of an emotion is automatic, uncontrollable and due to external situations, like other people's behaviour or the loss of a loved one or a job. But psychologists like Paul Ekman, who study human emotions extensively, believe that there are many steps before the genesis of an emotion and there are a few crucial steps where, if we are aware, can actually intervene and change the way we feel.

Rubina, in her 30s, came heartbroken.

She was feeling betrayed and cheated by her husband. Here is an excerpt from the first session... 

Rubina: I am feeling very angry and hurt by my husband.

Therapist: Yes, I can see that you are very hurt. Would you like to share what happened? 

Rubina: Doctor, one thing I can't stand is when people lie to me. And yesterday I found out that my husband was lying to me.

Therapist: I see. You found out he was lying? 

Rubina: Yes, I found that he was hiding the truth.

Therapist: Would you like to elaborate? 

Rubina: At an office party, there was this girl in his office who, I felt, was hitting on my husband. When I asked him about it around three months back, he just brushed it aside and behaved as if it was the most improbable thing he had ever heard.

But yesterday I came to know that the girl had confessed her feelings for my husband to a friend of hers. It has become office gossip and my husband also knows about it.

Therapist: So you are hurt that your husband did not acknowledge his knowledge about this girl's feelings, to you.

Rubina: Yes. I am very sure that my husband has no feelings for her. He is incapable of having an affair. But I am hurt that he hid that information from me.

Therapist: How are you sure that your husband knew about it? 

Rubina: Yesterday there was another get- together of his office colleagues and they were joking about how my husband was avoiding meeting the girl in the office for the past six- seven months.

Therapist: Could it be that your husband was embarrassed, or maybe he just did not want to make you feel insecure? 

Rubina: Maybe.... But the bottomline is that he pretended as if I was being ridiculous by suggesting that this girl was eyeing him. I feel I have lost my trust in him.

Therapist: So, is it the trust in your husband which is broken, or is it the belief that he would never hide anything from you which is broken? 

Rubina: I think it's my belief that he would never hide anything from me that is broken. I am angry at myself that I thought he would always be truthful to me. I know it's silly but it's important to me. With anybody else, it wouldn't have mattered but I can't take lies from people who are close to me.

Let's understand what really happened to Rubina. Rubina attends her husband's office party and notices a girl, let's say Riti, who was paying a lot of attention to her husband. Her mind evaluates the situation and it creates the... 

First appraisal: "Riti is attracted to my husband". She goes and talks to her husband about it but he just plays it down.

Rubina's mind generates the... 

Second appraisal: " My husband does not know about it." After a few months, she comes to know that her husband knew this for quite some time, and her mind generates the... 

Third appraisal: " My husband deceived me and my second appraisal was wrong." Which is in direct conflict with her 

Rule: " I should not be wronged or deceived, especially by people who are close to me." This conflict gives rise to an emotion, which is the feeling of anger and betrayal, and these emotions give rise to an impulse, say in this case, the impulse to confront the husband. This impulse may lead to an action, such as the act of screaming at the husband and storming out of the house. Ekman says if one is really watchful of his/ her mind, there are three levels of awareness which are possible to observe: Appraisal awareness, impulse awareness and action awareness.

If we are aware, we can intervene and change the course of emotion generation by challenging and changing the appraisal or controlling the impulse and therefore choosing to feel differently and act differently.

It is possible to deconstruct an emotion and eliminate its effect if we can change the appraisal, and mend the conflicting rules through our awareness.

Sometimes there are agendas we aren't aware of to hold on to the pain and hurt as well. Consider the case of If we are aware, we can intervene and change the course of emotion generation

Rosaline, who was going through a separation.

Rosaline: Doctor, the exercise you gave me was very helpful. I understand that my husband cheated on me and it makes sense to move on as that person does not deserve me. However, I am noticing that I am not ready to let go of the pain and hurt. If I let go of my pain, I would trivialise my five years of time and effort with this man.

Somehow I'm afraid of devaluing a chunk of my life.

Therapist: So, you feel that you are giving value, worth and meaning to the time you have spent together by holding on to the pain.

Rosaline: Yes! Otherwise it is so meaningless. I know I can let go of this pain but I am holding on to it.

Funny, isn't it? 

Before Rosaline can work on her pain and hurt she needs to understand the hidden cognition and reason behind her holding on to her pain. " I need to suffer to give value and meaning to my experience" is her unaware cognition behind the pain. If Rosaline wants to be happy, she needs to first let go this cognition and accept that may be the last five years were not of as much value as she thought it was, and that it is okay. Here also, the self- awareness is the first step for her to reach that acceptance.

(All names and details have been changed) 

Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners, psychotherapists and life coaches Share your problems with them at 

 dr. sangbarta@ gmail. com

http://epaper.telegraphindia.com/paper

Being captive by "what we want": T2 Article dated 8 Feb' 2015

In certain parts of India, people have an indigenous way of catching monkeys. They put a banana in a very narrow- necked container, which is firmly tied to a pillar or a tree. The monkey puts its hand in, grabs the banana and tries to pull out. But his hand, clutching the banana, gets stuck. Only a few of them escape by dropping the banana. Many of our problems arise from the fact that we don't want to drop the banana and choose to stay unhappy.

Anuradha, a middle- aged lady, came for therapy with anger and self- destructive patterns. The following is an excerpt from our conversation after a couple of sessions... 

Therapist: 

Well, you have a lot to do and practise. I also need to tell you that after the appointment next week, I am going away for a 15- day vacation, so we won't meet for two weeks.

Client:  (Looks shocked) 

How can you do that? Doctors are not supposed to go on a vacation! That's irresponsible! Therapist: You seem to be very upset and finding it difficult to come to terms with a doctor taking a break or a holiday... Client: You bet I am! How dare you do that? If I have money one day I will file a public interest litigation to make doctors available 24x7, with not a single holiday allowed in their career.

Therapist: 

I see…. Okay, can we explore this a little? I understand that you don't want me to take a vacation and this upcoming break is upsetting you. But we have already discussed what you need to practise and then when we meet next time, we can again create a detailed plan of action for what you need to do for next two weeks. After my vacation, we'll again go through the difficulties you faced.

Client: ( Angrily) 

No! You are behaving irresponsibly. I am not going to listen to a single thing you've said. In fact I am going to do the exact opposite of what you have said. If you don't care about me, then I don't care either. I will just ruin myself and you will be responsible for it! 

Therapist: 

So, you don't agree to your therapist taking a vacation. This is not what you want, and as you don't agree and you are not getting what you want, you are not willing to work for your own betterment and health.

Let's say even if your therapist's decision is not right, his counselling did help you before and perhaps will help you now too, if you follow it. But now you are unwilling to follow his advice just because his decision to take a vacation is not right according to you.

Client: (After a pause) 

But I am angry! We all have our reasons to want what we want and they can range from " everybody has it" or " that is how it should be", and sometimes they are justified rational reasons like " I've put in effort and now I want the result to reflect my effort" or " I have been loving and faithful in my marriage and I want my husband to be loyal too". The problem arises when we don't get what we want and as a result we get disturbed. In this state of anger, frustration and bitterness, we reject things that we can receive if we just let that " want" go. We are so focused on what " I want" that we are not open to seeing other options available to us.

The desire for " I want" can be so strong that it has the ability to delude us into believing that what we want is an absolute functional necessity for our survival. So when we are faced with the refusal of what " I want", we end up feeling sad, depressed and bitter. And if, like Anuradha, we face an impending refusal of what we want, we get angry, we fight tooth and claw to get what we want, in turn throwing away our own functionality and peace of mind.

Research by Alison Ledgerwood, an associate professor of psychology at the University of California, and her colleagues has shown that we have a surprising ability to get stuck in what she calls a " loss frame". Or simply put, theglass- is- half- empty perspective.

A simple behavioural experiment designed by Ledgerwood showed that our mind has a natural inclination to get stuck in things like failure, rejection and not getting what we want. However, we can always make a conscious choice to let go of the " loss frame" with a constant conscious reminder to ourselves that there are more doors to knock on if the door we wanted to go through does not open.

Fulfilment of our wants, in a way, is an assurance that things are in our control, an assurance that we all seek. But at the same time, we need to be pragmatic and be open to challenging our conceptions of our wants and therefore be open to exploring new avenues and opportunities that we were earlier closed off to.

There is nothing wrong in wanting and pursuing what we want, but it is we who have to decide on the value we give to the fulfilment of our wants. We need to explore if we too, like Anuradha, are throwing away what is good for us just because life has not given us what we wanted.

Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners, psychotherapists and life coaches Share your problems with them at

 dr. sangbarta@ gmail. com

http://epaper.telegraphindia.com/paper

Acknowledging that we need help: T2 article dated 25 Jan'2015

When Mr Sengupta came in, he appeared perfectly healthy. A gentleman of average built in his mid- 40s, he was polite and pleasant. Mr Sengupta was embarrassed to talk about his problem and occasionally burst out laughing during our interaction. He had a fear of elevators and could never get into one. Because of this peculiar problem, he said that he occasionally missed appointments, got late and lost out on opportunities as he needed to climb staircases which would delay him or tire him out before important meetings when they were held in multi- storeyed office buildings. Part of our first- day conversation went like this... 

Therapist: So you cannot get into an elevator.

Client: No, never. I clearly remember visiting a relative's apartment in Delhi, when I was in Class IV. It had a small, dingy old elevator. I refused to get in and my father had to climb up the stairs. ( Bursts out in an awkward laugh) 

Therapist: You seem to be embarrassed about this? 

Client: I am! Isn't it funny? How weird and irrational is this? I am a grown man and I have a team of people who depend on me and my decisions, and yet I am scared of this thing which is a part of everyday urban life. I am laughing right now but at times I feel angry at myself.

Therapist: You feel angry at yourself that you have this irrational fear… 

Client: Yes! I am so embarrassed that in spite of suffering so much I avoided talking about it for so many years and seeking professional help, but finally I made up my mind and though it is difficult for me to talk about it I am willing to work on it.

Luckily for Mr Sengupta, his frustration nudged him to finally address his problem and he came out of his avoidance strategies. Many of us however are not so lucky. We keep denying a problem for as long as we can. We are embarrassed to admit it, even to ourselves, that there is something within us which perhaps needs attention and a little fixing.

The admission of our problem entails facing our own ' imperfect' self, of which we are so critical about. The sense of shame that nudged Mr Sengupta to finally seek help was also the reason why he avoided the issue for so long. He was aware of his problem all his life but it took him years before he was ready to acknowledge it.

We gave him one experimental assignment. In the coming week he had to try and stand in front of an elevator and pretend to get in, and then observe his emotions, feelings, body sensations and what actually happens to him when he tries doing that. Mr Sengupta diligently went through the motions, twice as instructed, and came back next week. 

Excerpts from the session... 

Client: I did your exercise twice, once it was during office time. I called the elevator telling myself that I would get in to go to the 10th floor. The very idea was freaking me out though I knew very well that I was not actually going to get in. As soon as I pressed the button, I could hear screaming noises inside my head telling me that I was a fool to try this. That I was going to make a fool of myself. I could visualise myself inside the elevator. I was panicking and throwing a fit like a six- year- old, I was going crazy and everyone around was looking helplessly at me. I also felt palpitation.

The second time it was in an empty elevator in my apartment at night.

This time the feelings of discomfort were there but the intensity was much less.

Therapist: That's great. Well done! So now would you agree that may be your fear is actually coming from a preconceived notion that getting into an elevator would make you very uncomfortable and you might not tolerate that experience? And that this fear is more about ' making a fool of yourself'? 

Client: Yes, I realise that. I somehow believe that the moment the elevator door is shut, I will start panicking even though it has never actually happened as I never got into an elevator. And my fear is actually an extreme anxiety of how I will be perceived. During the second round of exercise, a small part of me was very tempted to actually get into that elevator and see if I could go through with the experience.

Therapist: Very good! Then shall we put this belief to test? Do you have a trusted friend or family member with whom you can test this belief? Maybe you can try the apartment elevator at night with a friend and start with just one floor movement. And if you hear the voice again which tells you that you are going to make a fool of yourself, humour it by saying that that is exactly what you are trying to do! 

Mr Sengupta could take the leap of faith with his wife. He found that the first few attempts in the elevator did make him uncomfortable and anxious but was much more bearable than what he had anticipated. He was so relieved that on the first day itself he practiced a few times and found the uncomfortable feeling easing away. Eventually he was able to increase his tolerance level and use the elevator even with people in it.

As in the case of Mr Sengupta, many times our own demand for a ' perfect' self becomes a hindrance to learning and growth. Perhaps his initial childhood fear got reinforced and became more complex as a result of his self- judgement and selfcriticism.

To change something within, we often need to let go of our inner judgements and address the issue with compassion for ourselves.

Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners, psychotherapists and life coaches Share your problems with them at 

dr. sangbarta@ gmail. com 

http://epaper.telegraphindia.com

How do you stick to new year, and everyday resolutions: T2 article dated 11th January 2015

New Year brings with it new beginnings. For many of us, this means making a new set of resolutions. Most of us are aware of the changes we can bring into our lives to be healthier and happier. The problem is that year after year the resolution list just stays on paper, seldom executed.

Have you ever wondered why despite knowing what is good for us, we keep failing to do those things? Aren't we all at times torn between that part of us which wants to lose weight, cut down on drinking or smoking, stay off Facebook or fried food, call our parents more often or start writing that book which is in our head, and the other part which wants to sleep five minutes more, puts off starting the exercise schedule, loves to procrastinate and finds any excuse to not initiate a change? Joseph Shrand, MD of Harvard Medical School, says that our desire to self- discipline and self- restrain is a rational decision where we logically weigh the options, understand the long- term consequences and then perhaps choose something bigger over instant pleasure. This ability comes from the frontal and prefrontal area of our brain, which is the newest part of evolutionary development. Unfortunately this part is easily overruled by our more primitive instincts of pleasure, which resides in the older regions of our brain.

So how do we assist our rational side which wants to be healthy, happy and productive and outsmart our pleasure- seeking, change- resisting urges? Here are a few science- backed strategies to help you stick to your New Year resolutions.

Train your willpower rigorously: 

Willpower is not something people just have. Like muscle, we can train our willpower to make it stronger. In an experiment at the State University of New York, researchers asked 122 smokers who were trying to quit to exert extra self- control for two weeks, either by avoiding sweets or by squeezing on a grip strengthener for as long as they could twice a day. In the following month, 27 per cent of those who were diligent about practising their self-control exercise successfully kicked their smoking habit, compared with just 12 per cent of volunteers who'd been given a task that didn't call for self- control. Exercise your willpower more often and more regularly to strengthen it throughout the year.

Don't get disheartened by the initial inability to exercise your willpower whenever you choose to exert it. Try practising self- control twice a week, like pushing yourself extra in the gym or staying off sugar.

Aim for one change at a time: 

It's great to know what all you want to change but it's not possible to change everything at once. Prioritise what you would like to change and choose one thing at a time. Trying to incorporate changes according to the priority list one by one is more likely We can train our willpower to make it stronger. If you get frustrated, it becomes easier to give in to temptation. Appreciate your own efforts and encourage yourself

to bring you success rather than an abrupt shift in your entire lifestyle.

Outwit your inner rebel:

 " I am never going to use a credit card again" or " I am off all forms of sweets" sounds very grand and noble as a resolution but is more likely to fail as " never" implies that even one failure would mean the resolution has failed. Instead try more realistic resolutions, like " I will consciously choose to avoid unhealthy food" which has more scope to be effective.

Avoid the all- or- none law and make room for flexibility.

Turn your resolution into a doable plan of action: 

"This year I am going to lose 10kg" may sound like a specific resolution but losing weight itself is a pretty broad goal. To lose weight we need to exercise, change our dietary habits.

We can then make a resolution like " I will start running from this week and my target is to cover 10km each day by the end of the year" or " In the first week itself I will consult a dietician and follow the diet plan". You can further break these down into a to- do for every month, week and day.

For example, 

Week One of my fitness plan:

.. Wake up an hour early 

.. Go for a walk/ run or gym 

.. Consult a dietician 

.. Follow the diet plan.

Write them down on paper and put it up at a place where you can see it often. When making the next week's plan of action, incorporate the backlog of the previous week.

Be gentle Don't be too harsh on yourself. To stick to a resolution plan and be able to focus on your greater good over your primitive pleasure sense, you need to prioritise your well- being. If you get frustrated, it becomes easier to give in to temptation. You need to be soft but firm towards yourself, not indulgent. Appreciate your own efforts and encourage yourself. Don't get bogged down by small failures, just try again the next day.

Wish you all a very happy and fulfilling year ahead.

Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners, psychotherapists and life coaches Share your problems with them at 

dr. sangbarta@ gmail. com 

http://epaper.telegraphindia.com

Gratitude : T2 article dated 21st Dec' 2014

In the popular TV show The Simpsons , Bart Simpson offers grace at the family dinner table " Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing."  Thank you! An essential part of our verbal interaction, from family dinners to diplomatic negotiations, which we say often but seldom mean it. Maybe deep inside we tend to dismiss gratitude as a simple, obvious sentimental feeling not worth serious attention. Instead we overlook the privileges that we enjoy and keep ruminating about what we've lost and what we do not have. Gratitude is not about being thankful to a greater power but to be appreciative and thankful to the people and things that we already have in life. It in turn induces the feeling of wanting to give back to them or to contribute. Recent research suggests that people who practise gratitude consistently report a host of benefits: Stronger immune systems and lower blood pressure. Higher levels of positive emotions. Acting with more generosity and compassion. Studies in the field of psychology also suggest that: Gratitude helps us savour positive life experiences, it boosts our self- worth and self- esteem. It helps us deal with stress and trauma; it minimises negative thinking, reduces anger and makes us feel more connected and less lonely. It also helps us receive more from each moment. Most of us have a cup of hot coffee from the tea/ coffee vending machine after reaching our workplace. We never think much of it. Only when it breaks down and we don't get our cup of coffee, do we realise how much we are used to it. As humans, our ability to adapt is the reason we get ' used to' things and it may create in us a tendency to take things for granted. As we get used to everything quickly, we develop a need for a constant supply of ' more' to feel happy. At times it can become a compulsive need for ' more'. This chase perpetuates the cycle as we go on taking what we have for granted, leaving us feeling empty and ungrateful. One of the challenges to feeling grateful is hedonic adaptation, an interesting characteristic of the human mind. It is the tendency in most of us to quickly return to a relatively stable level of happiness ( or unhappiness) despite major positive or negative events or life changes. When we lose something emotionally significant we have the ability to adapt to that loss. The incident of losing a loved one, which we thought we would never get over, also lessens in intensity. But at times this very same coping mechanism can also keep us from feeling joyous and happy in our day to day life. Let's say you absolutely want to have a particular thing, maybe the latest model of a car, dream house or the job you have been eying for long. If you get it, you may be ecstatic initially but soon your mind would adapt to the newly acquired object and it will become a part of your mundane routine. Studies show that the happiness levels of when we do not have the object we desire and the happiness levels a few months after acquiring the object are nearly the same. The antidote to this hedonic adaptation is the practice of gratitude. Not just the one that we feel occasionally but practising it consciously. Cultivating the attitude of gratitude for all the things ' we have' can go a long way in helping us stay happy and joyful. We can train our mind to feel gratitude. Here are a few ways to do that... .. Keep a gratitude journal:  At least once a week reflect on the good things that you have received from life. Jot down three to five things in detail, from the most mundane like finally getting hold of your plumber to something magnificent like your baby's first step. Write about your feelings in detail and appreciate people who are directly or indirectly involved in it. Occasionally go back to this journal to read about these ' good things'. .. Express gratitude:  Once in a while express gratitude to the people who have contributed positively to your life. Again they can be from any sphere of your life, from your co- workers to your parents. After a few months of practice, try to appreciate people you are slightly upset with. Maybe you can be grateful to them for something else. Say 'thank you' or write a letter describing how they have positively influenced your life. It's even better if you can deliver this letter personally. Give a token gift to somebody to express your gratitude. You can start with your partner or spouse. Encourage your children to be thankful and appreciate the resources, including those which they get from mother earth. Encourage ' enough- ness' within: Teach yourself to see ' enough' in what you already have. Practise gratitude — reflect on the good things that you have received from life. Once in a while express gratitude to the people who have contributed positively to your life. For this at times you may need to say ' no' to the part of you which wants more. Attitude of 'enoughness' and gratitude go hand in hand." Entitlement", " wanting more" and gratitude do not gel. If you are a parent, help your children to appreciate ' enough' and discourage entitlement by occasionally making them listen to " no". Learn to say no to yourself as well. A little tantrum or transient sadness is actually a good price to build this attitude of appreciation and gratitude for wholesome happiness and joy. Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners, psychotherapists and life coaches Share your problems with them at : dr. sangbarta@ gmail. com

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Forgiveness and letting go : T2 article dated 7th Dec'2014

It bothers me even now to see him laughing and fooling around with others. I almost feel a physical pain in my abdomen when I see him. I feel angry and suffocated..." Supriya was talking about her ex-boyfriend who cheated on her; they broke up two years back. She has since been unable to be in a relationship or move on. She is preoccupied with what had happened in the past, and in the process she finds herself unwilling to enjoy her life. On probing further, she said that the only way she can ever be peaceful is by avenging her humiliation and " teaching him a lesson". Our instinct for revenge has a strong evolutionary background. When confronted by predators it was necessary for us to make the offender see or learn that attacking us was not " profitable". So we would seek revenge, often at the cost of sacrificing our own lives to serve the greater good of the herd. Revenge, retribution, retaliation have an underlying agenda of "teaching a lesson". This instinct of revenge may have helped deter predators and offenders within or outside the tribe from committing repeated acts of aggression against our ancestors. Research in some primates shows that in a group, the offender is likely to get severely punished in order to make its members rule- abiding. Similarly, revenge may have evolved as a teaching tool owing to its ability to teach that crime, offence or wrong- doing does not pay. So, is it possible for Supriya to overcome this vengeful bitterness, regret and hurt? Is it possible for her to let go of this responsibility of teaching her ex a lesson at the cost of sacrificing her own life? Can she choose to forgive her ex- boyfriend? Forgiveness doesn't mean condoning an act of offence. In fact, it often involves taking a strong stand against it. Forgiveness does include letting go of the feeling of retaliation and retribution in the personal space. Innumerable studies have been published suggesting the long- term health and relationship benefits of forgiveness. In contrast, unforgivingness can take its toll on physical, mental and relational health. Contrary to popular belief, it has been found that people who are forgiving in interpersonal relationships are better able to uphold justice. Evidence showed that friendly behaviour is actually quite common after an aggressive conflict between chimpanzees. Frans de Waal, an evolutionary biologist, and his team of researchers observed 350 aggressive encounters in chimpanzees and found 179 in numbers or 51 per cent of the total observed encounters were followed by friendly contact. There was more friendly contact after conflict than it was during conflict- free periods. Chimps kiss and make up in the same way as humans. It turns out that as we are hardwired to be motivated to seek revenge so are we to forgive and reconcile. In fact newer evolutionary evidence suggests that empathy, compassion and reconciliation are what gave us the edge in the evolutionary process. In group workshops for emotional healing and personal development or individual therapeutic set- ups, we've observed that one of the most common reasons why people are bitter and unhappy in life is because they hold on to past grudges, be it against parents, friends, partners, business associates, relatives and in some cases life itself. It is sometimes very crucial to reset our mental set- up and choose to let go and forgive. The challenges people face in doing so are... Willingness to forgive: It is not that people are unable to forgive, but they are so driven by the motivation of " teaching a lesson" that they are unwilling to do so. If one understands that forgiveness does not mean agreement with or approval of the act of offence, people can choose to set themselves free from the hurt and bitterness. Perception of forgiveness: Contrary to the evolutionary evidence, people are often culturally conditioned to see forgiveness as an act of weakness. " Come what may, I am never going to forgive him/ her" is the common sentiment. In fact, people hold on to the grudge and pain as a reminder to this resolution at the cost of great personal suffering and sacrifice. If one chooses to, forgiveness can be learnt and one can choose to release the past hurt and trauma and be open to receiving more from life. Supriya attended one of our workshops and came for a couple of follow- up sessions where we helped her with the forgiveness process and reconciliation of the past. She is now in a happy, fulfilling relationship. Dr Sangbarta Chattopadhyay and Dr Namita Bhuta are medical practitioners, psychotherapists and life coaches Share your problems with them at dr. sangbarta@ gmail. com  http://epaper.telegraphindia.com/paper/26-24-07@12@2014-1001.html